December 11, 2013: Discovery Day

I didn't realize how hard it would be to look back on that day in December when we discovered her tumor and write about it.  Stella has now shallowly outlived all initial prognoses and as days turn to weeks turn to months, I have reached a tentative detente with her cancer (though I still give it the side eye and refuse to lay down arms).  When I look at my sweet girl today, I can see her as the big personality she is rather than frantically searching for signs of something amiss or only seeing her as  a collection of difficult health crises rising up to swallow her whole.  A few quiet weeks with no imminently mortal dangers have permitted this brief period where I can look at the experience and write about it without grief overwhelming and obliterating everything I do.  Who knows when that will change?  For now, as I type this, Stella rests her head on my leg and whines for another walk, another meal, any kind of attention that involves a ball or perhaps stalking squirrels ("But don't pet me, for god's sake!  Ugh!"). The fact that she's up and about making her little noises and insistent demands sets the clocks and proves that, this day at least, all is well in our little neck of the woods.

Leprachaun Movers, a group of really big Irish ex- rugby players, showed up on December 10th to move us the 1 mile from our old house to the new house.  Stella loved them immediately, each stopped to pet her and even throw the ball a few times (nothing pleases me more than a big dude who makes coo-ing noises to my girl).  She did really well that day, even though it could have been confusing for her.  We had been coming over to the new house for a couple of weeks by then, feeding her dinner where she would be eating from the move on, and all her beds were in place so she always had a good comfy spot to safely sit out of the chaos.

It took about ten hours, but by the end of the day, all the boxes were in the right rooms, all the furniture was in place, and we collapsed into bed in the guest room, which I had set up the day before so that we could be out of the wood floor fumes.

I don't remember much about the next day.  Jim went back to work and I am sure I walked Stella and then got to work on the boxes.  There was still a lot to do over at the old house and our dear friend Craig was over there helping us patch nail holes and repaint.  I do remember talking to my girlfriend Jenny on the phone about how happy I felt and what a relief it was to be beyond the blues that were brought on by the other house, that we could finally just land and be happy here. 

It was pretty late when we finally went to bed. I was already undressed and Jim was somewhere else when I realized Stella was really going at her neck.  I was sure either dust from the move or the fumes from the new hardwood floors were being a bother.  I got down on the floor with her and I could feel immediately that her neck was warm. What she was scratching was a hard swollen lump the size of a freaking orange on her neck, close to where it meets her chest.  Jesus Christ, what the hell was that?  The skin beneath her heathered yellow hair was a fierce, angry red and it was very hot to the touch.  I felt a catch in my heart come loose and I knew, I knew it was a tumor.  It was a big fucking angry tumor.  In a panic I called out to Jim and he came running from the bathroom, frightened by the tone of my voice.  "Stella has a lump," I cried, very close to hysteria, but doing my utmost to remain calm.  "There is a really big lump on Stella's neck."

"Let me feel it." Jim was not a stranger to my inclination towards hyperbole. "Jesus, that is big."

"We need to take her to the emergency vet right now, Jim.  Right now."

"She doesn't seem to be in distress.  She seems fine.  It might be a spider bite."

"It could be a spider bite or she could be having an allergic reaction to something.  But, I think it's a fucking tumor." In case you haven't caught on to the fact yet, I swear like a sailor.

When we took a step back form her, we could clearly see it protruding from her neck, pushing the hair around her normally pretty Elizabethan collar in a messy, awkward manner.  How had we not seen this before?  How had we not felt this before?  I ran my fingers along her old incision regularly and never felt anything, but it never dawned on me to palpate just up and over six or ten inches.  

I hit the internet like it would save my life, googling tumors, spider bites, allergic reactions, you name it.  There was no sleeping for me.  At about 4am, I came up onto the main floor, lay down on the couch in the darkness and surrounded by cardboard boxes, sobbed till I was wrung out, dehydrated and exhausted.  When 8am finally rolled around, bleary eyed and hoarse, I called the local vet and the receptionist said we wouldn't be able to be seen that day.  I protested in the most polite manner I could muster, sleep deprived and a little nutty with worry.  She said if I just came around 11 and was patient, she would see about fitting me in around other patients.  I thanked her, overwhelmed with relief, and then gave in a took an ativan.  

The local vet did finally see me that first day.  She said the same exact thing that Dr. Stacy did back in 2011, "I don't like the look of that."  When she tried to palpate beneath it, Stella squealed and I had to squelch a scream.  She decided to take a fine need aspirate biopsy of it, and after feeling as if she didn't get a good sample the first time, pricked her again.  She said the slide was too bloody for her to have a look at it, but that it's proximity to her pre-scapualar lymph node made her think it was lymphoma.  And with that, she sent us home. 

I walked out of the vet office feeling utterly lost and rudderless, not knowing what the hell I could do for our girl and feeling sure certainty that we were going to loose her.  I called my sister and wept.